kimboolay

Dreams.

Did your mama ever told you that your dreams are never too big for you? That you can achieve anything you set your mind to it? Did your mama tell you that she loves you no matter what decisions youve made?

My mama told me I had pretty, straight teeth, I have beautiful thick black hair, I am a fast runner, I am beautiful and if I was born into a better, richer, more influential family, I would have better, prettier clothes to wear. Everything she said revolve around the exterior of a person. She never once sat me down at the dining table and asked me, ‘So, Boon, what do you want to do in future? What do you want to achieve in life? Will that make you happy?’

You can put it that way that my mama wasn’t worried about what will happen to me in future. Somehow, she knows that I’ll find a way. Or maybe she feels that being a blue-collar worker is satisfying enough for me? By not asking, she made me think more in depth, asking myself questions about what best suited me, what are my interests and what pays well. I had to source it all by myself. I had to ask myself the hardest questions to make the toughest decisions to figure out what is my dream, what will be my future, what makes me, me.

I’m thankful that this method didn’t backfire, with the good role model set by my scholar/high flyer sister. She set the standard for the family and I, on the other hand, waivers underneath the average mark.

But you know what, sometimes I get exhausted by these thoughts when I keep striving for the best. I want the best education but I can’t get the grades. I want the best job but I can’t work hard enough for it. I want the best clothes and accessories but I don’t have the money to get them. I’m a perfectionist but I am the worst procrastinator ever. Sometimes I scare myself with the ambitions I have or my
Future.

How do you define success? I’ve yet to find my own definition for that. How do you feel about the word ‘family’? Some people define a pet dog as family, I have no idea yet. People tell me that they know the sort of standards I have because they were once my tutors. But how can I ever reach that standard that I deem satisfying?

The problem now is, I know how my finish line looks like but i don’t know what race I’m in and how I should be trained for.